So here goes

Most people have never made it to far down into my mind much less my heart, to see the ways I go back and forth with what I am supposed to do and want to do and know to do. Maybe it was because Mercy and I watched P.S. I Love You, tonight, or maybe it is simply time to write down and put out what I feel. Although I am never much for sharing emotions, it goes against the core of who I am not to share.

I am afraid. 

Plain and Simple. This Monday morning will be the 4th month since I left my church. 4 full months ago I left being a pastor. I have not preached in 4 months. I have not taught a lesson from the Word in 4 months. I have not helped plan a service or counsel a family or walked into a sanctuary hours before the people of God arrived and spent time anointing the place with prayer and beseeching the Holy Spirit to move. 

What I did for almost the last 8 years of my life, I have not done in 4 months. And now I do not know if I can go back. 

I miss it. Oh how I miss that work of God. Being a Pastor in my mind is the easiest job in the world. I mean you are helping lead Christ's Church, the Church is the Bride and God will not forsake His Bride. God has been at work in communities and people's lives long before I or any other pastor would arrive and God will still be at work long after the people of the cloth leave. 

But the thrill of it- is being that middle man. Being right there as God transforms, as families are brought together, as lives are giving to Christ and sins forgiven. Every day in ministry is like standing on the oceans shore and seeing the darkness fade to the power of the Sun rising. The darkness fights it. The clouds try to hide it, but to see when the oceans realize the Son is risen, how it reflects that marvel, that beauty- that is what amazes me. That is why I loved ministry. To see the people of God reflect God- especially at the very turn of dawn- there is nothing more incredible than that.

I do not have a pastoring job. At least not a paying one. I do not have any offers on the table and I have not put my name into anyone's hat. But recently God has been taking Mercy and me down a road of, Are you ready, yet? 

Are you ready to get back into this ministry thing again? 

I would love to but I am afraid to. Why? I am afraid I wont be passionate enough. I am afraid I wont be liked. I am afraid that I wont give Mercy and Eden enough of me. I am afraid I cant do it and be good at it anymore. Can I get back into Student Ministry and not feel like I abandoned my kids at Chapin? Can I start fresh in a new type of ministry, like Small Groups or Discipleship or Teaching, without going back to school? 

Those thoughts race through my head all the time. Along with all the others of soon to be new dads, like, Can I do this? and How am I going to provide?

Those thoughts are real. They will be in my head long past the birth of Eden or the next ministry position. I am not going to ever be rid of them. You know what else I wont be rid of. The Holy Spirit. And the love of Christ. And the fact that I am a called son of God. And my love of God, a love that is with all my heart and all my soul and all my strength. 

What peace is in all of that? 

Only the best of all. Love conquers fear.

That is where I am today, out in the ocean of believers, covered in the lovely light of my risen Christ, waiting, ready and available.