Smoking, Fire, Tears, and Medicare (Part 2)

I dont know the last time you have ever felt like you were in a desert with God, I am not too sure if I can put my finger on it either. But I decided that where I am now is like a swamp. There is beauty, there is growth, but you dont really need to set up a house in a swamp. Although the trees covered in moss are gorgeous and there is shade from the heat- a swamp is something you pass through not dwell in. 

I feel like that is where I am. I have felt revitalized in my last 2 months since stopping my job. I have felt that I am getting closer to God, that I'm maturing in my understanding and becoming more disciplined. But I also feel like there are so many snakes and alligators around me, luring me into dangers and snares, and because there are so many trees I cant find my direction as easily as I could. 

I am currently working at a call center for Medicare through Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Its a good job and free insurance but its temporary. Which means I am supposed to lose it either a few weeks before or a few weeks after our baby girl comes. 

I dont think I have ever been as scared or as aware of my trying to handle things in my own power as in this job searching. Providing for your family is like the #1 responsibility of every dad. At least you think it is, and it feels like it is. I told Mercy the other day, I want to make enough money where I dont have to think about my checkbook to know if I can get a coffee or not. I want to have all my bills, my debt, my credit and my savings taken care of now, so I can be carefree with how I live. 

That is a struggle for me- I mean I took over a 50% cut in my income when I left the church and thats only after I got a job! I work with single moms not a day older than me, who have 2 kids and an absent father and are trying to make ends meet. I work in front of grown women who are going through menopause while they are taking night classes for a college degree and trying to pay the mortgage and the bills. ( There is like 90% women at my job right now) I work right beside some guys that show as the top priority in their lives is the clothes they wear and the gadgets they have. 

But you know what that has made me see as being the most important thing, as the #1 priority for me as a dad and a husband is giving my family a heritage of God. I figure I will probably struggle with money the rest of my life. But Im not going to let my wife struggle with there not being any spiritual leadership in the home. Im not going to let my daughter or any kids that come after her struggle with the truth of the Father God's love and grace. 

My family will have a heritage of the power and the person of Jesus Christ before we focus on Starbucks and clothes. My kids are going to see  Christ's emotion for them as the church through my Ephesians 5 love for Mercy. They are going to have a heritage of peace and strength through the knowledge of the Word of God that I pass on to them. 

And hopefully when this time of mine wading through these murky waters I will be able to give them a model of what it means to wait upon the Lord and to seek His face.