So here goes

Most people have never made it to far down into my mind much less my heart, to see the ways I go back and forth with what I am supposed to do and want to do and know to do. Maybe it was because Mercy and I watched P.S. I Love You, tonight, or maybe it is simply time to write down and put out what I feel. Although I am never much for sharing emotions, it goes against the core of who I am not to share.

I am afraid. 

Plain and Simple. This Monday morning will be the 4th month since I left my church. 4 full months ago I left being a pastor. I have not preached in 4 months. I have not taught a lesson from the Word in 4 months. I have not helped plan a service or counsel a family or walked into a sanctuary hours before the people of God arrived and spent time anointing the place with prayer and beseeching the Holy Spirit to move. 

What I did for almost the last 8 years of my life, I have not done in 4 months. And now I do not know if I can go back. 

I miss it. Oh how I miss that work of God. Being a Pastor in my mind is the easiest job in the world. I mean you are helping lead Christ's Church, the Church is the Bride and God will not forsake His Bride. God has been at work in communities and people's lives long before I or any other pastor would arrive and God will still be at work long after the people of the cloth leave. 

But the thrill of it- is being that middle man. Being right there as God transforms, as families are brought together, as lives are giving to Christ and sins forgiven. Every day in ministry is like standing on the oceans shore and seeing the darkness fade to the power of the Sun rising. The darkness fights it. The clouds try to hide it, but to see when the oceans realize the Son is risen, how it reflects that marvel, that beauty- that is what amazes me. That is why I loved ministry. To see the people of God reflect God- especially at the very turn of dawn- there is nothing more incredible than that.

I do not have a pastoring job. At least not a paying one. I do not have any offers on the table and I have not put my name into anyone's hat. But recently God has been taking Mercy and me down a road of, Are you ready, yet? 

Are you ready to get back into this ministry thing again? 

I would love to but I am afraid to. Why? I am afraid I wont be passionate enough. I am afraid I wont be liked. I am afraid that I wont give Mercy and Eden enough of me. I am afraid I cant do it and be good at it anymore. Can I get back into Student Ministry and not feel like I abandoned my kids at Chapin? Can I start fresh in a new type of ministry, like Small Groups or Discipleship or Teaching, without going back to school? 

Those thoughts race through my head all the time. Along with all the others of soon to be new dads, like, Can I do this? and How am I going to provide?

Those thoughts are real. They will be in my head long past the birth of Eden or the next ministry position. I am not going to ever be rid of them. You know what else I wont be rid of. The Holy Spirit. And the love of Christ. And the fact that I am a called son of God. And my love of God, a love that is with all my heart and all my soul and all my strength. 

What peace is in all of that? 

Only the best of all. Love conquers fear.

That is where I am today, out in the ocean of believers, covered in the lovely light of my risen Christ, waiting, ready and available. 

Smoking, Fires, Tears, and Medicare (Part 4)

This is going to be my last blog of the night. And I have to do this quick cause Fringe, my new favorite show is on and I want to spend some time with my wife. 

I feel like sometimes we get so caught up in our own worlds that we miss out on the stories of people around us. I have wondered how Jesus handled hanging out with people who were different from Him. And I am far from being anything like Jesus around beggars and hookers and drug addicts. But I believe that in understanding people we have a better ability to understand ourselves and our calling. In understanding people I think we have a better ability of understanding how we are supposed to apply the Word of God to our own lives. 

And I think that one of our biggest problems is how can we truly be in the world but not of it. How can we shine the light of Christ with out becoming dull and without burning the eyes of those different from us? Maybe its too late for me to get these thoughts out right.

Smoking, Fire, Tears, and Medicare (Part 3)

You know what else I have learned. 

How good it is to put yourself into something all day. All your knowledge, your mind, your creativity where those lack and to walk away at the end of the day seeing what you have accomplished and know it was pretty darn good. 

I got the chance to experience that when I worked for Matt Lawson at ASAP Mechanical for a few weeks in my hiatus from ministry (or at least the official kind of ministry)

Matt (who probably will never read this so I dont have a problem saying it) told me once that if times ever got tough to give him a call, and as a good friend kept in touch with me just to make sure things were ok. He gave me a job when work was slow, and for a construction company thats a big deal. He gave me a job probably because he likes my wife better than me and wanted to make sure my baby kept getting food to grow. I probably have learned better in my two months off than any time before how to see the character of a man and thats a guy Im glad to call my brother. (and let me just add if you need any electrical work, heating and air, or like hot water heaters or any kind of work done- give Matt a call at ASAP (260-HEAT)

Its my blog you know I can do that kind of thing!

But when I showed up for work Matt paired me up with his newly established electrician. Now for those of you who know me, I cant even walk straight without tripping over the side walk. I am definitely not good with my hands at all- on cars, computers, yardwork and especially electricity. 

Tom, my new boss, told me later- When I heard Matt gave me a guy from his church you have no idea how worried I was. I did ok though and now know a little more about those bundles of fire that run through wire. Dont worry- I dont think any houses will burn down. But Tom, my fellow NY Jets fan (although he has more of right being a fan than me since he is actually from New York) actually taught me a good bit while I was there. 

And probably more than anything it was about discipline and work ethic. As he put it, Electrical work is mostly just making things look good. You can do it right but if it looks like crap your work will be associate with crap. But if you spend a little extra time and effort and make it look nice, well that helps not only you out when the inspector comes but the next guy that messes with your work will probably respect it a little more. (Now that is something I can apply to the church you know!) 

A lot of times we work to get the job done but we wont put in the effort to do it right. I wonder what Christ thinks of that. Much less the Holy Spirit, if we finally ever do let Him fully in on the job. 

The other big thing- You have to prove yourself to get into the attic. One of the most difficult parts of electrical work is fishing wire through built houses and especially in attics. Heat constantly over 105 degrees, insulation all over you, balancing tools on studs and doing your best not to fall in through the ceiling of someones kitchen, all sounds like something I would pass off to the new guy. But no. The hard stuff is handled by the best, until the new guy shows he can really handle it. Pulling on wire is easy and anyone can do it. But if anyone goes crawling around an attic, well there is going to be more than shells in your eggs next breakfast! 

You cant pass responsibilities off to someone else just cause it would be easier. I still need to wrestle with that one for a bit longer.

Smoking, Fire, Tears, and Medicare (Part 2)

I dont know the last time you have ever felt like you were in a desert with God, I am not too sure if I can put my finger on it either. But I decided that where I am now is like a swamp. There is beauty, there is growth, but you dont really need to set up a house in a swamp. Although the trees covered in moss are gorgeous and there is shade from the heat- a swamp is something you pass through not dwell in. 

I feel like that is where I am. I have felt revitalized in my last 2 months since stopping my job. I have felt that I am getting closer to God, that I'm maturing in my understanding and becoming more disciplined. But I also feel like there are so many snakes and alligators around me, luring me into dangers and snares, and because there are so many trees I cant find my direction as easily as I could. 

I am currently working at a call center for Medicare through Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Its a good job and free insurance but its temporary. Which means I am supposed to lose it either a few weeks before or a few weeks after our baby girl comes. 

I dont think I have ever been as scared or as aware of my trying to handle things in my own power as in this job searching. Providing for your family is like the #1 responsibility of every dad. At least you think it is, and it feels like it is. I told Mercy the other day, I want to make enough money where I dont have to think about my checkbook to know if I can get a coffee or not. I want to have all my bills, my debt, my credit and my savings taken care of now, so I can be carefree with how I live. 

That is a struggle for me- I mean I took over a 50% cut in my income when I left the church and thats only after I got a job! I work with single moms not a day older than me, who have 2 kids and an absent father and are trying to make ends meet. I work in front of grown women who are going through menopause while they are taking night classes for a college degree and trying to pay the mortgage and the bills. ( There is like 90% women at my job right now) I work right beside some guys that show as the top priority in their lives is the clothes they wear and the gadgets they have. 

But you know what that has made me see as being the most important thing, as the #1 priority for me as a dad and a husband is giving my family a heritage of God. I figure I will probably struggle with money the rest of my life. But Im not going to let my wife struggle with there not being any spiritual leadership in the home. Im not going to let my daughter or any kids that come after her struggle with the truth of the Father God's love and grace. 

My family will have a heritage of the power and the person of Jesus Christ before we focus on Starbucks and clothes. My kids are going to see  Christ's emotion for them as the church through my Ephesians 5 love for Mercy. They are going to have a heritage of peace and strength through the knowledge of the Word of God that I pass on to them. 

And hopefully when this time of mine wading through these murky waters I will be able to give them a model of what it means to wait upon the Lord and to seek His face.

Smoking, Fire, Tears, and Medicare

What do those three things have to do with me? Well, they are all different parts of my journey these days. And what a journey it has been so far. 

Lets start with the most recent...

This past weekend I went to a marriage retreat- Lifeway's Festival of Marriage. It was a great time to be with Mercy and learn about our relationship and confront issues we have before they are all embedded in the heritage of our family. It was an added plus to spend the time with Michael and Brittany, and Mark and Michelle too. 

But something wacked me out of the blue in our last worship time. The speakers for the weekend were on stage talking about what a privilege it had been for them to just see the couples "awaken" over the weekend and how the transformation of their love for their spouses had continue to rock them as the leaders throughout the weekend. 

I started crying while they spoke. Mercy was completely freaked out because like I said it came out of nowhere. I dont even know if I can explain it, but like I shared with her, its because my heart tugged at those words he spoke. 

I know what its like to stand in front of a crowd of people and see the Spirit of God wash over them. I know whats it like to see people "awaken" not because of anything I had done or said, but simply because God was there and He wanted to change people's lives. There is nothing more powerful, more sweet, more fulfilling than to be a part of that. And I have to confess it has felt too long since I have seen God sweep through a place. Like I told Mercy, she has my heart but that is always going to be a part of my call, and there is nothing better than to be a part of that kind of work of God. 

I miss it. I miss being a part of a family. Its hard to once be a pastor of a family of God and now be on the fringe of what it feels like is the whole kingdom. 

I wonder for those of you who will read this, do you know what your place is in the family? In your church, in God's plan, what is it that He called you to do? I hope you do. 

I was created to be a husband and a father, a brother and a son. But before all of that I am a son of God. And what did Father God in all His sovereignty give me to do. Hopefully I was once a good enough teacher that any of my fellow students can answer that...

Its been decided- Its a Girl!!!

I cant lie. I wanted a boy. With all the pressures girls have to face the days with being beautiful enough or skinny enough or talented enough or just as good as a guy- it just seemed easier to raise a boy than a girl. 

Well God decided that would not be the case for us. As the doc said when she did the ultrasound- "Well I cant see anything, I cant see, got the legs crossed...oh wait no its all indoor plumbing for her- no question its a girl!" 

And I just bought my first of many pink polka-dotted room accessories. Oh yeah- we are just 5 months pregnant but a good mom is a ready mom and this mom is gooood!  I do believe that we have entered into the 'nesting phase', I really didnt want that to come until we had a good job and were in our own house but sorry David! Looks like these boarders are staying a bit longer for sure!!

We are really excited about "________" coming into this world or at least getting ready for her. I love it and Mercy loves (sarcastically) all the times I throw her down and find the baby and start talking to her, leaving a large stain of spit smeared on her belly. I'm just a dad trying to connect, you know!

But thats right- there is a blank. Because on the day of our unexpected news, we decided we werent sure if we like 'Ridley' as our baby girls name. We have a couple of rules or guidelines for picking out the name- but a new list is forming and will be posted soon for you to vote on- So be ready!!!! 

Or this chick is going to be named Jasmine Caedance Issabella James Jr Clonts!!!

My little acorn

So this past week I got off my job-searching butt and did some trade labor for rent. Mercy and I have been staying at her dads and he has been incredibly gracious to us through this whole transition period. But I was able to give a little back and I have a story to tell about it. 

David, my dad-in-law, is planning on selling his house and to get it in a more buyable position wanted to add a new bathroom/powder room downstairs. To get started we wanted to go ahead and run the sewer line for the new bathroom- i guess powder rooms dont have showers.  Anyways we ran a trench from the side of the house to the main line in the front yard- about 120 feet!!!  It was a good bit of digging and I guess working behind a desk for so long isnt the best way to keep in shape! 

I was trying to finish up a section late one afternoon when out of nowhere a little acorn drops in front of me on my pile of dirt. I of course searching for any reason to pause stretch and breath, bent down and picked it up. And then I put it in my pocket. 

We finished up, I threw my clothes in the wash and dryer so I could look just as stylish the next day of work. And in the morning the acorn was still in my pocket- all the dirt was gone but the acorn remained. 

Last week I finished reading through the book of Job, where towards the end God speaks to Job and his friends- it really spoke to me because God says listen, I am involved in everything- nothing happens without me. The raven doesnt feed her babies without me- I know when the pain of childbirth for the deer has ended- I provide for the lioness and her cubs. I hold all things together, I am a part of all things. 

For me that simple reminder simply rocked my day- God knows my baby- He is knitting it together forming a plan and a hope and a future for it. God is not just with me as we are feeling lost right now, it was His decision and the job I get wont be about my charisma or my qualifications or someone taking a chance on me but its going to be about my God saying this is how I am going to meet your need. 

When I picked up that acorn I said to myself- you dont want to be here little guy- I dont need a tree growing through my pipe. You need a better place to be planted. That acorn was bright green when I picked it up- too early to be plucked off a tree by the wind but it was. When I pulled it out of my pocket from the dryer- it was a little darker a little more ready for its next step. 

And perhaps thats a small representation of my family in God's hands- you are not ready to be planted here. I need to take you to a place where you can grow, and I need to put you through a couple of things to make you a little more ready for what I have for you next. And in the process I will provide for you, I will hold you together and keep my hope in front of you- just be my acorn, be in my hands for a while until I am ready to plant you and make you into what I want.

How far will I go in trusting Him?

I don't know if I can say this is just a little test. As my wife reminded me earlier, I am simply not used to rejection. Not used to having nothing to do. So as I go on week 3 of unemployment I wonder how far I can truly go. 

On the rejection side... I think I can handle it. Although I made it my whole life without even a girl breaking up with me or ever being fired; I am confident that I can take a little rejection when it comes to a new job search. Its all a part of life, all a part of the Journey God has us on. 

The real question for me comes into play with how many expectations will I drop or how many compromises will I make to end up with that pay stub again. 

I left my last job for a reason, a few reasons actually. One I wasn't the right guy for the job anymore. I believe full-heartedly that if you are ever going to do ministry your heart, your passion has to be in it. I know passion can fade at times, but thats a different blog. Second, I left my job so I could go after the dreams God placed on my heart. I think it was one time when I was either reading Oswald Chambers or Charles Spurgeon when he said, in those moments where God throws some insight onto you or puts a burning into your heart and mind, in that moment you must go after it or you will lose that moment forever and that burning is so hard to rekindle. 

Thats why I left, so I can create an environment around me to pursue that desire within.  And the job for me is going to have to be crafted so perfect that I can make good money, work hard at work and not bring it home with me so that I can devote time and energy to that focus. 

But with the fears of the baby coming so quickly and all the expenses we will need to cover, with the need to get a new place to stay and all the ways our lives will change from that- I almost want to take whatever comes along and forsake those dreams and desires and just focus on providing for my family. 

So I find myself in this struggle now- finding the balance of trusting Christ with the desires of my heart and the demands of my life, and what my role is in between them both. 

And truly this is just another part of our relationship with Jesus Christ. How far we will take that trust and obedience of Christ is at the core of every struggle we face. I guess that is just a reminder of faith; trusting in God and following His lead even if you dont know where you are going or how you can handle it, cause in the end it all boils down to Jesus Christ and not james clonts. 

So lead on Lord, I am still behind you!

Keeping Up!

I am horrible when it comes to keeping up with people. But I figure I need to give it another shot or maybe at least another platform might suit me better. So this blog is dedicated to the journey I am on, where to I cant actually describe. But where from, I hope to paint the best picture in the world of. Here goes!